Naked Basketball, or, My Friend Ralph Cries Like A Baby

He was an angry man, and he didn't give a damn who knew it. In fact, he'd let you know, with a nice, simple "I'm angry. You don't want to mess with me," and a sneer. Us kids used to think he was all talk, until that day at the basketball court.

Ralph and I were playing a simple one-on-one game, while listening to Motley Crue on our boom box, when he grumbled his way through a nearby parking lot. "Dude, it's the angry guy," I clearly remember Ralph saying. "Let's invite him to play basketball with us."

"No, dude, that's a bad idea. We don't want to mess with him. He's angry." But before I could finish my sentence, Ralph was already shouting at him.

"Hey, old angry guy! Come play basketball with us!"

"No. I'm angry," came his prompt reply.

"Aw, c'mon. It'll be swell."

"Swell, you say? Well golly, junior. Count me in!"

I couldn't believe my young ears. This angry old man was going to play basketball. With us young fellas, of all people! Before I knew it, he peeled off his shirt and started running laps around the court.

"I gotta warm up, fellas. Let me take a couple of laps real quick. Oh, and I'll be skins. I'd hate to get my nice silk shirt dirty." He was for real!

Finally, he was all warmed up and ready to play. We decided to throw him a bone and let him have the ball first. He checked the ball to Ralph, and Ralph tossed it back. But then something unprecedented and ultimately unforeseen happened. He hurled the ball with all of his might at Ralph's knees! Ralph dropped to the ground, and the old bastard, why he didn't care about the ball at all! He went right up to Ralph and started kicking and stomping on his knee!

"I'll show you swell, you little ingrate!" The old man yelled this and many obscenities as he brutalized my friend. Well, I tell you I didn't know how to respond, so I just sat there eating a Drumstick ice cream treat and watched in horror. Ralph cried like a little baby, begging him to stop or at least for me to step in and help, but to no avail. Finally, the old man's barrage of pain ended. He looked up at me.

"Say there, young feller, I'm planting a tree in a vacant lot, and I expect you to help me out."

I didn't know how to respond, so I said "Gee, I'd love to."

"That's super! Let's go!" He put his shirt back on and started skipping in the direction of a nearby vacant lot. I followed; confused, skeptical, and slightly aroused. Eventually we got to the vacant lot and he already had a hole dug and a tree nearby. "Go ahead and toss 'er in!" He offered. And so I did. We both filled in the hole and high fived enthusiastically.

A small woodland creature climbed up the tree and looked both of us in the eye at the same time. "I'm really proud of you guys and what you've done here today," the little rascal said to us. "Because of you, I and many of my friends and family will have a place to stay and store food. Gee, I really can't say enough nice things about you guys. That's really marvelous of you both. I commend you."

At this point, the acid I had taken earlier was starting to wear off. My bloodlust satisfied, I bid adieu to the angry old man and woodland creature and returned home to my wife and kids to read the paper and eat a nice home-cooked meal. Delicious. Ah, the days of my youth.