The Walrus Monologues

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!

2008-09-19T15:22:00.001-07:00

You know what would be awesome? High-fiving a unicorn. While leaping over a waterfall. Underneath a rainbow. Also, if an explosion happened during the high five.

Just a thought.

Business Propositions

2008-03-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

Business Propositions (as proposed by Gregory Orme, Esq. and Sir Michael Dobson)

Karate for Cats!- not necessarily for cats, all animals. Cats is just catchy.
Self Defense for Humans!- Because one day the cats may use what they've learned.
Catfights!- proposed motto #1: "Cause dogfighting is illegal."
proposed motto #2: "It's not what you think."

Blow Up Doll Escort Service- it's cheaper than a real hooker
proposed motto #1: "Not illegal, just frowned upon!"
proposed motto#2: "Disgusting!!!!!:)"
proposed motto # 3: "It's not what you think. Okay, maybe it is."

Professional Racists!: Do you have a particular racist sentiment that you're afraid to put out there yourself? Have no fear! We'll do it for you!
!!!Disclaimer!!!
Professional Racists! Inc. does not necessarily support racist views, unless they're about Asian people. Man, are they weird or what??

Professional Mockery: Do you want to hurt someone's feelings but have a conscience? No problem! We'll pick on anyone! Children, the elderly, handicapped, etc.

Euthanizations for the Elderly: Actually for anyone who suffers from a disease (syphillis, cancer, delirium, wrinkles) or from any persistent symptoms (itchy redness, hacking cough, wrinkly skin, forgetting your address/children's names)

Abortions for Animals!: Why should only humans be able to enjoy the benefits of Roe v. Wade?
proposed motto: "It's not what you think."

Grocery List

2008-03-13T20:34:00.001-07:00

Corn
Apples
Soda (Pepsi, Fresca)
Crack
Potato Chips (Barbecue?)
Bacon
Canned Vegetables (besides corn)
Pornos (Azn, Girl-on-Girl, Torture)
Applesauce
Hamburger
Vitamin C Tablets
Ovaltine
Captain Crunch!
Sulphuric Acid
Orange Juice
Apples
Napkins
Paper Plates
Skinning Knife
Laundry Detergent
Bread
Milk
Eggs
Apples
Heroin & Gear (Belt, Syringes, Old Spoon ((can probably get for cheap at thrift store!!!)) )
Mutton
Pork and Beans
Celery
Apples

It's gonna be a busy day at the store!!!

Stupid Whale Story (a story for childrens)

2008-01-24T19:00:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a whale. He was a big stupid whale who didn't have any friends, cause he was kind of a douchebag. Anyway, this idiot whale decided that he wanted friends, cause he was tired of being the only whale at his birthday party. And this moronic little whale didn't know what else to do, so he decided to bully the smaller fish into being his friends.

"Hey. Be my friend or I'll punch you in the mouth," he said to the stingray.

"Go 'F' yourself," the stingray replied. The stingray was a bit of a douche as well.

"What up, buddy? Be my friend?" he inquired of the mighty eel.

"Gag me, tool." Apparently the eel wasn't very nice either.

"You're gonna be my friend or I'll tell all the other octopuses you're a flaming homosexual," he threatened to the octopus. But the octopus didn't say anything at all, because octopuses can't talk, dumbass.

Distraught, the whale returned home to his family where he was informed that he was adopted anyway. "What a rough day I'm having," the stupid whale thought out loud. "I guess maybe I'm not cut out for friends."

"Shut your filthy trap and take out the trash," his little whale brother said. "Besides, you have no right to whine. You only asked three animals."

So the sad, stupid whale took out the trash, moaning and griping the whole way. "Nobody loves me. I'm adopted. This sucks. One day, I'm gonna show- OW!"

---------------------------------------

The deep sea fisher fired another harpoon at the mammoth whale. They had got him! Soon, they'd be pulling into port and have enough whale blubber to make a plethora of candles.

"We shall live like kings! Hurrah!" They all shouted with glee. "We shall live like kings!"

The McRib is nothing to write home about.

2008-01-20T22:54:00.000-08:00

Yippy the cute little puppy scampered merrily down the sidewalk. Hooray, he was on his way home finally! But, oh no! In order to play with Jerry again, Yippy would have to cross the big, scary street! Oh well, every journey begins with the first step!

Yippy started to scurry cutely across the street, when he caught a delicious scent in his nostrils. He began to sniff around the road for a moment. Suddenly there was a sound. He looked up to see a car moving towards him. Not too close, but still not far off. He would have to move faster if he wanted to cross in time. So he-

The End.

Naked Basketball, or, My Friend Ralph Cries Like A Baby

2008-01-20T21:57:00.000-08:00

He was an angry man, and he didn't give a damn who knew it. In fact, he'd let you know, with a nice, simple "I'm angry. You don't want to mess with me," and a sneer. Us kids used to think he was all talk, until that day at the basketball court.

Ralph and I were playing a simple one-on-one game, while listening to Motley Crue on our boom box, when he grumbled his way through a nearby parking lot. "Dude, it's the angry guy," I clearly remember Ralph saying. "Let's invite him to play basketball with us."

"No, dude, that's a bad idea. We don't want to mess with him. He's angry." But before I could finish my sentence, Ralph was already shouting at him.

"Hey, old angry guy! Come play basketball with us!"

"No. I'm angry," came his prompt reply.

"Aw, c'mon. It'll be swell."

"Swell, you say? Well golly, junior. Count me in!"

I couldn't believe my young ears. This angry old man was going to play basketball. With us young fellas, of all people! Before I knew it, he peeled off his shirt and started running laps around the court.

"I gotta warm up, fellas. Let me take a couple of laps real quick. Oh, and I'll be skins. I'd hate to get my nice silk shirt dirty." He was for real!

Finally, he was all warmed up and ready to play. We decided to throw him a bone and let him have the ball first. He checked the ball to Ralph, and Ralph tossed it back. But then something unprecedented and ultimately unforeseen happened. He hurled the ball with all of his might at Ralph's knees! Ralph dropped to the ground, and the old bastard, why he didn't care about the ball at all! He went right up to Ralph and started kicking and stomping on his knee!

"I'll show you swell, you little ingrate!" The old man yelled this and many obscenities as he brutalized my friend. Well, I tell you I didn't know how to respond, so I just sat there eating a Drumstick ice cream treat and watched in horror. Ralph cried like a little baby, begging him to stop or at least for me to step in and help, but to no avail. Finally, the old man's barrage of pain ended. He looked up at me.

"Say there, young feller, I'm planting a tree in a vacant lot, and I expect you to help me out."

I didn't know how to respond, so I said "Gee, I'd love to."

"That's super! Let's go!" He put his shirt back on and started skipping in the direction of a nearby vacant lot. I followed; confused, skeptical, and slightly aroused. Eventually we got to the vacant lot and he already had a hole dug and a tree nearby. "Go ahead and toss 'er in!" He offered. And so I did. We both filled in the hole and high fived enthusiastically.

A small woodland creature climbed up the tree and looked both of us in the eye at the same time. "I'm really proud of you guys and what you've done here today," the little rascal said to us. "Because of you, I and many of my friends and family will have a place to stay and store food. Gee, I really can't say enough nice things about you guys. That's really marvelous of you both. I commend you."

At this point, the acid I had taken earlier was starting to wear off. My bloodlust satisfied, I bid adieu to the angry old man and woodland creature and returned home to my wife and kids to read the paper and eat a nice home-cooked meal. Delicious. Ah, the days of my youth.